They’ve experienced “ups and downs,” but she’s determined to go to the next step – however, her boyfriend isn’t going to stop a behavior that’s causing alarms.
Hello and welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column that solves every romantic issue without restrictions.
This week the sexologist, our resident Isiah McKimmie, has a conversation with one person who would like their lover to get more involved and is worried that he’s doing something “shady” instead.
Question: I’ve been with my boyfriend for the past three years. As with any couple, we’ve experienced moments of joy and sorrow. However, I’m now eager to go further, and he’s still saying that he’s not yet ready. We do not live together, but we often visit our respective homes. Through Covid losing his job, I’ve helped him financially. I’m paying for a wide range of things and think it’s sensible to be together. I have wanted to get to know more of his acquaintances since most times. He goes out with them on his own without me; however, he always tells me that he wants to spend time with himself. Does his behavior indicate a problem, or is it normal for a relatively new relationship? What could I do to encourage him to be more committed?
Answer: I’m worried that your relationship isn’t balanced and appears to be serving your boyfriend’s needs more than yours at present. He enjoys all the benefits of your help. However, it’s not like he’s offering much in exchange.
I want to address the second question first.
How do you convince an individual to be committed?
There is plenty of advice from pop psychology that reveals methods to get men to take a leap of faith. The advice usually includes:
- The work to make your appearance more attractive.
- Not placing pressure on men by pulling back.
- Not putting too much effort into the bond.
A lot of the advice doesn’t have foundations in research that have studied successful long-term relationships that last for a long time.
The idea that women desire commitment while men are resistant remains a fact, and it does a great disservice to many of us.
The question, “How can convince people to commit the crime?’ is unintentional.
It states that you’re accountable for your partner’s willingness and their ability to be committed. You’re not.
It’s not the job of the relationship to get them ready for the type of relationship you’d like.
People who experience the most challenging time committing to relationships have an Avoidant Attachment style. Attachment styles develop as early as life, and it emerges due to caregivers who weren’t in a position to meet their requirements. People who have this type of attachment realize that it’s not secure to depend on other people, and they go on with their life believing in their independence. The value of autonomy over relationships persists in a way even when people who have this type of attachment are in relationships.
Some people might appreciate the friendship they receive from having a partner but don’t want to be a savior for their needs.
Let me reiterate that it’s not your responsibility to make these changes or accept these traits.
The best inquiry to make is: “Can he provide me what I’m looking for and want to be fulfilled in my relationship?
You’re looking to start making a living with each other. You’re likely looking for a general partnership where you are an integral part of one another’s lives significantly. This isn’t unreasonable.
There isn’t an ideal equilibrium in the relationship of separation and connection. Each of us has various levels of functioning that are beneficial to us. What’s crucial in the relationship is handling the demands you share.
Based on what you’ve stated, It doesn’t appear that your boyfriend will be able to provide you with the things you need and want, but he might not be in a position to.
Although it might seem like lots of your relationship is working for you, not having your requirements for intimacy and connection fulfilled can be a problem over the long run.
Let me come back to the second question: Is his behavior shady?
It’s normal for him to want some time for himself and be with his friends at least once in a while. It’s OK to own sometimes, even if you’re in an intimate relationship.
When I look at the overall image of your relationship, the imbalance is obvious.
He has his needs met, And you don’t
You’re offering financial help to someone who’s not showing commitment to you by their actions or words.
Three years later, you’re still wishing to get to know more of his friends, which suggests you’re not part of the life of his friends. It’s natural to want to be included now – but it’s a concern that he’s not willing to.
Even though you’re trying to be a good spouse, he’s demonstrating that he is more focused on his own needs. This will likely persist, even if you can keep being with him.
The relationship you have with him isn’t wholly new at the moment. If he’s not sure if he is ready to commit to you right now, I’d suggest leaving.
It’s my method to say he’s selfish and uses the relationship to gain. You should seriously consider letting him go (quickly), shifting to someone who is a good match for your interests, and considering your requirements in a relationship.